"California"

Well it has been a weekend. Not really sure where to start.... but let me backtrack to the beginning to put the whole situation on paper.

Halloween, 2022. Madison and her roommates threw a low key halloween party with some of their friends. Faith had some people, Jess, Elayna, and Mary came, as well as her church friends and softball friends that are on the team with Madison and Hannah. Firstly, it was a really fun night. But towards the end though I found myself sitting on the couch with one of the softball boys who I hadn't met previously, which was ironic because I have met most of the softball boys and hung out with them all quite a few times over the summer and even a few times beforehand, but this was my first time meeting Nick. For some reason I guess he was just never around when I was. Moral of the story, we kind of hit it off (from what I can remember at least). Nothing crazy, I don't even remember what we were talking about, but I remember thinking he was nice and certainly attractive (even if he was holding a bag of sugar pretending  it was cocaine). But once him and the other boys were leaving, he asked for my number, so naturally I had to give it to him, and was hoping I was sober enough to put it in his phone correctly. I can't fully describe what he looked like here so just trust me when I say he looked good. Anyways, that was the end of the night, and I was just hopeful that maybe he would text me at some point.

Fast forward to the next day, Saturday night. A text came through and I was trying to play it cool with Madison but I was so damn excited. I went home Sunday morning and made plans with Madison to go back in two weeks to try to set up a time for us to hang out again in person. No point in texting if there aren't ever any plans to meet up, and at this point we've talked pretty much every day. So, I had told him that I was planning on coming back up to Austin in two weekends, and I just crossed my fingers hoping that he would be free, and also willing and want to do something. We wanted to come up with a plan, something fun and easy that hopefully he would want to do.

So here it is. We planned on having me, Nick, Madison, and Tanner (the boy Madison is currently talking to), all go out on a double date(esque) situation to Armadillo den on that Friday night. This allowed for Madison to be a buffer between Nick and I since they are already friends, as well as giving me the chance to meet Tanner, and then also for Tanner to meet some of Madison's friends. Well, unfortunately this idea didn't go as planned. Firstly, it ended up being so fucking cold outside, and it was raining all day, so everything at Armadillo den would have been wet and freezing. And then, last minute Tanner got sick and was throwing up. So he had to cancel. Put a real damper in the plan. And I mean the thought of just the three of us going was certainly less than ideal, but we pitched it to Nick to see if he would still be down to do something. Which he was.

So Madison, Nick, and I all met up at Cidercade around 8 that Friday (I was so nervous, I couldn't even remember what he looked like from the first time I had met him). But literally as soon as he got there I remembered and things were fine. I was impressed at how easy going he was and just down to hang out and do whatever. He bought both Madison and I's drinks there and although was a little flirty with me, made sure Madison was included. We played a few games and then just sat down at a table and talked. Super easy guy. Well, I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I got back they had the idea of moving our hang out somewhere a little more fitting to the vibe that we were looking for. And by this I mean, Madison wanted to go down a slide, so that's what we made happen. I drove Madison and I back to her house to drop off my car, and then we Ubered to meet Nick at a place called "Unbarlievable". It has a slide. So we meet up here, and was honestly unimpressed so we didn't really stay very long before moving to a bar that was next door. I have no idea what it was called, but it was fun. Just typical. And when Madison had left to go to the bathroom, he kissed me. Good kisser, like for sure. Also, I don't think I've mentioned this but he's also 6'3 soooo big plus. Anyways, once that first kiss was out of the way there was a lot more throughout the night (thank God). He was so fun though, obviously loves to dance and have a good time, and can make friends with anyone. He was talking to like everyone around us while we were there. But he also would do little things like hold my hand, pull me in by my hips to be right up against him, and keep a hand on me most of the time. It was a good feeling. AND girls kept coming up to us all night basically just to flirt with Nick (which I get he looked great lol), and every time he would be so nice to them, but would pull me in towards him before he ever really said anything. Idk just felt reassuring that he was like happy to be there with me even though it was obvious he had plenty of options. Or maybe he was just trying to be nice more so than him being happy, who's to say. But there was also a moment when him and Madison sat down on a bench, and he just pulled me in to sit on his leg, and we were able to just talk for awhile. We talked about a bunch of random stuff, all I really remember him saying was that he is an Enneagram 2, and mentioning some of his red flags. Such as he's a problem solver instead of a lister (I mean sure, a guy who wants to help you figure stuff out, horrible). And then I shared some of mine I think to, although knowing me I probably just said something random bc I've got too many to share and wounds that go too deep. But anyways, it was nice to just chat. It was after this moment that we went upstairs for a lil make out sesh, and he told me that he liked me LOL. I didn't know how to reciprocate but I did my best. Anyways the night went along like this for a little while longer and we were out until the bar closed. Also it was so damn cold outside, so he gave me his jacket, even though he was in short sleeves. I know he had to have been cold, even if he said he wasn't. So then he waited outside with us until our Uber got there, and we left. But after initial first time really hanging out, I can say I was impressed. Definitely was interested in this dude and wanted to see him again. Like, without a doubt. 

Okay I am going to fast forward again to the next evening, starting at the tailgate for the UT game. We were there with some of Hannah's family and then also Hannah, her friend Lauren, Ross, Ryan, Garrett, and then Madison and I. We hung out here for awhile, and the boys were asking about how it went with Nick, so I did my best to just say it was fun, but not give any more details, they can ask Nick if they want to know. But once the sun went down, it got pretty cold, so we decided to go to a bar so the boys could watch the game. The bar was unimpressive at best. Basically empty and quiet, with the most unsociable server I've ever met. But regardless, here Nick asked when we wanted to go out that night. And at this point the plan was still to go to Maverick's, which honestly no one wanted to do so idk why that was the plan. Oh wait, it was for Tanner. Anyways,  I felt like I needed Garrett and Ross to agree to go as well, that way it wouldn't just be Nick and a bunch of girls again. And they would. not. commit. So, Garrett was talking about how he is trying to connect with this girl who lives in south Austin and probably wouldn't want to drive all the way to Round Rock, and Ross kept talking about how he may go to this poker game. Super lame. So I suggested that we drop Maverick's and go downtown or to East 6th that way Garrett was more likely to go so he could meet up with this girl, and it's not as far for Nick, although he had already said that he would be willing to go.

Moving on. The plan is to meet at White Horse on East 6th. And thank God Ross and Garrett decided to join. So we all meet up here and have a few drinks and are just talking. Garrett was cracking me up with "boy humor". We stayed for maybe an hour and a half before deciding to head out and find somewhere else to go. So we're walking out and even with the boys around, Nick held my hand while we were walking down the street, and we went into some other bar, again I don't know the name. But here, Ross bought us all a shot of tequila, never a good idea for me, but threw that back anyways. Then we were just on the outside patio all hanging out. Nick and I definitely had a few flirtatious moments throughout the night. And idk if this is Garrett being a wingman or if he's just weird, but multiple times he came up to Nick and I and asked, "So, have you two kissed yet". So we would answer back that yes we had, and Garrett goes "I wanna see". Dude. Garrett, like why. Naturally I'm thinking like "thats weird, no", but Nick just grabs my face and kisses me. Smooth Garrett. At some point, Nick had mentioned the option of going back to his place, which caught my attention but I never made it a big deal. So, when Madison and I went to the bathroom, I told her that he had mentioned it to see if she thought it was a good idea or not, which she just responded "I don't think it's a bad idea, if you want to go, then go". So I was going to make it an in the moment decision. So once we were leaving, Nick and I were walking in front of the group back to where we had come from, and started going the wrong way to Madison's car, so she yells out "Jess, are you coming back with us", so I immediately say yes and begin walking towards her, until Nick says something like "damn", or I don't remember. So I asked him "what, do you want me to come over", which he says yes to, and then immediately I'm like "nahh Madison, never mind, I'll text you", and just walk away with Nick towards his apartment, which we were basically right in front of. 

And here is where shit goes down. I cannot stand the way that I am sometimes. I'm gonna give the short version because I like the long one being only in my head. But basically, we get there, I get the very short tour, and then we sit on the couch to watch a movie, but, come on, you know what that means. We end up moving to his bedroom, and yeah we hook up. It was good though. I don't know why I had to say "God dammit" about 50 times literally DURING. Such a dumbass, that was probably so confusing. But honestly I think I just literally knew in that moment that I could really like him and I was kinda pissed about it. I don't really want to like anyone or care right now so I think that's where the god dammit came from. But regardless afterwards we just cuddled and talked and didn't go to sleep until almost 5am. And I usually cannot fall asleep for the life of me when my person is touching somebody else, but we were intertwined all night. Possibly because we were drunk and running off of zero sleep, so I bet I could have slept on a pile of rocks and knocked out, but anyways, it was still nice to wake up to. We woke up, had the early morning last night was fun conversation, he drove me back to Madison's, and that was that. 

Now, we have still been texting, I may go up to see him this weekend, but I may not. I'm not really sure what I want to do or where I wanna go from here. 

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Okay I am writing this about a month later just to give an update because I honestly cannot believe we are still talking. But things are still going really good. We're still talking and have hung out the past couple weekends in a row. And let me tell you something, man. I mean I like, really like him. OH and last weekend me, Nick, Madison, and TJ (the guy Madison has been talking to for about a month or so now) hung out last Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. And it was so fun to all hang out and go on basically like little double dates. So on Thursday we went to Maverick's, Friday we went and got drinks at this brewery downtown, and then on Saturday we went to the trail of lights and then all went back to Madison's house to hang out. So fun. Anyways things are going good thus far, I'll keep you posted. 

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Here's the promised update. It is now mid January and we're still talking. I still really like him and am interested but I almost feel a little bit stuck. I don't know, I mean, it's kind of a weird feeling to like someone for this long... I know it hasn't been that long, but for me, feelings usually fade by now, or I just become uninterested, or the guy wants to commit and that sends me the other direction. But with Nick at this point, it's kind of like we are getting into a routine of texting here and there throughout the day and then we may see each other on the weekends. But I also feel like I want to know if this is going somewhere or not. It's kind of a lot of work to drive all the way up to Austin or have him drive to San Antonio to see each other if there is no sight of things moving forward. And I mean he has come down to San Antonio, which was nice, but it just isn't convenient ya know? And I know that the distance also makes things hard and move slower just because we aren't able to be together, physically, as much as if we lived in the same city, but regardless now I'm just confused dude. Also, we text way less than we used to, which is fine, neither of us are big on texting, but again, without seeing each other in person as much, it still feels like a barrier. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I want to be able to ask him and bring up the conversation of where he sees this going or if he wants a relationship out of this or whatever, but every time I want to bring it up, I get scared and don't. There's just no shot I do that. Maybe because I don't wants things to end or change, but the reality is, I do want things to change. God damn. I want to move forward, but I don't want to do anything about it. I'm seeing it here, maybe I am part of the problem. Dammit, red flag. 

Okay, and although there is this side of things, I will also say that my frustrations come from a place of me really liking him, which is probably why it feels hard because I want to see him and I miss him and the fact that I can't is so annoying. Plus, he's in California right now for a wedding so we haven't even been facetiming, which sucks. Idk if he thinks it sucks, but I'm annoyed about it so. Anyways, there's the update. 

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Well, we were on Facetime last night. He still is in California but is coming home today. Anyways, he was a little drunk because he had just gotten home from his buddies wedding, and basically he was telling me all about it and it came up how girls were hitting on him and such (which makes sense, he's hot, and sent me a picture and man looks good in a suit FOR SURE) and how he was just telling them how he had a girl back home. Which was sweet, and honestly I believe him, I mean he got home pretty early and was with his brother in the hotel. Anyways though, he was asking like if I want to date him, well his words were more asking if I wanted to date "all this" while rubbing on his body while sitting in the bathtub. Which is so hilarious that I was thinking like "yeahhhh that's what I want". But I just didn't respond in that moment. So he continues to say how he knows I haven't dated anyone and at the beginning I wasn't really sure what I wanted, so he has been trying to take things slow, but basically as soon as I am ready to date him he is ready as well. He just kept saying like "you just let me know and i'm yours". It took a lot for me not to just jump at that opportunity right then and there, but I didn't want to make things official while on facetime and he had been drinking. Like I want it to be when we are both sober and can talk about it and it's in person and I can touch him and kiss him and hug him.. idk I feel like that's better. So hopefully when I see him this weekend we can revisit that conversation because I do want to date him and literally be able to call him mine. Like I really like and care about this boy, he is so precious. And alongside this conversation he also started talking about all sorts of other things that were pretty deep and let's just say unexpected. Like if I believe in heaven and hell and how do people get there, and what about all of the people who don't. Like what if they are good people who did good on earth but don't believe in God, like what happens to them. I mean just drunk thoughts spilling out I guess. He brought up Robin Williams for example, saying how he was someone who spread so much joy and love and was there for other people but was suffering internally and ended up taking his own life. Nick was talking about how he didn't want to end up like that. (like omg) I was trying to say how Nick's desire and ability to be there for other people is such a gift and wonderful trait about him, but how taking care of himself is important as well. And it kind of broke my heart hearing him say how he doesn't feel like he even knows how to do that. Like caring for other people is so easy but it can be really difficult to do the opposite and turn that inwards. Then he was talking about how like all he wants and all he really cares about is being able to have a family and provide for them. How he wants to be a good husband and a good father no matter what that looks like. Maybe that means being the breadwinner, maybe that means being a stay at home dad, like whatever it is, he was saying that he just wants to do whatever he needs to do and can do for his family one day. And something about this man, I mean hearing a guy talk like this and have these values is so important to me in a guy I would want to date, because to me, this is the most important thing as well. He really is just a good person. Plus openly being willing to let the wife be the breadwinner and him taking care of kids, not that I would want that to be the dynamic in my relationship, but the fact that he is open to that seems like such a green flag to me. Like he is open-minded and not stuck in these gender-roled stereotypes that plague literally so many men. So hearing him talk like this just made me like him that much more. Although he then went on to say how not working at the moment is kind of eating at him that much more too because he has been trying to set himself up to be able to provide, but being in between jobs he doesn't feel like he is helping himself or his future family out. And that was kind of heartbreaking to hear too because I know how hard he has been looking for a job, but I also know that he is not going to take one that does not fit what he is looking for or what he needs because he has high standards for himself. So anyways, I guess the combination of the drinks, and the late night, or whatever else, he just opened up a lot more than he has before about some of these things. I can't even lie though, I loved getting to hear his thoughts and the things he thinks about and I mean I want to know everything about him. And I'm just ready to see him this weekend. God, it's so stupid. I really like this man. We'll see how this weekend goes, hopefully I can muster up the courage to bring some part of this up. 

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Okay, this post has been long, but this is the last thing I'll write here. I just wanted this to all be in one place so here we are. Things with Nick have become official. Yooo, dude, who would have fucking thought. But I really am so happy about it. So today is Monday, but things became official last Saturday when I was in Austin. I got there, drove straight to his apartment. The first time I didn't bother going straight to see Madison first lol. But anyways, so I get to his apartment and we are just chit-chatting on his couch for awhile about who knows what. But eventually I brought up what he was saying when he was drunk calling after his friend's wedding in California. I wanted to ask him sober where he was really at and what he was wanting out of us spending so much time together. He said that although he had a couple drinks in him, everything that he was saying was true, and that he did want to date me, but he also knew where I was at and was not trying to rush anything. He told me that from the day we met, he was interested and then once we got to hanging out more and more he eventually knew that he wanted to date me. But he also wasn't looking for anything when we met, so he was okay to take things slow too, even though he may have been ready sooner than I was. And I don't know, I think hearing that gave me a little bit of a sense of peace about it. Because I think the fact that he was respectful and mindful of where I was at in regards of having some fears and reservations about dating was able to let me know a little bit more about his character. I mean, I knew he was a good guy and super kind before, but that showed it in a way that words don't. I still felt a little scared about the title and making things official, and I have told him that before and I told him again last Saturday, although I'm not really even sure what I feel scared of (which he said he wasn't sure either lol). But he was able to give me some comfort by saying that we are basically already dating without the title. We talk everyday, we have pretty much since the day we met, we facetime most nights, and see each other basically every weekend, we have already talked about how we aren't seeing anyone else and don't want to be, and all of the stuff, so really nothing would change except now we would have a label. And we also talked about if distance was scary and he was saying that San Antonio really isn't that far, plus I am moving to Austin in a few months, so the fact that there is already an end date also feels a little bit comforting. But throughout this he was also just really kind, I mean he kept telling me that he is ready but there's also no rush on my part. Like we don't have to make things official if that feels scary, and that he is okay with taking things at my pace. And I told him that I couldn't believe that he would have been willing and wanting to date me over a month ago, which is when he was saying he felt ready, but didn't ask because he knew that I had told him that previously whenever things get serious I always have had a tendency to run away, and he didn't want me to run away. I don't know, I just really appreciated that. I think if he had seriously brought up dating really at any time it would have freaked me out, and I was scared to bring it up, but also I think it helped that I was able to basically talk about it on my timing. So anyways we both were able to say that we were ready to date each other now (I was the one that he was really waiting on I guess) but after coming to that conclusion we never really landed anywhere before moving on to another conversation. So then later that night we went to go get dinner at BJ's, and there was a wait for a table, so we went to sit at the bar while we waited. And as soon as we sit down, he brings up the question of like "where did we land, like are we dating now" and I was so glad he brought that up because I wasn't really sure either. But I told him that yes. I want to date him. I want to be dating. And that was that. Then we were official, even though it felt a little less meaningful than I was expecting it to, I was excited just because I do like him a lot. And let me tell you, he was so sweet the rest of the weekend. And I'm not gonna lie, this feels like a pretty big milestone because I have never had a boyfriend before (6th grade doesn't count). I just know that I have always run away from anything romantic or serious because it has always felt intimidating or scary or uncomfortable, and with Nick, it's a little bit scary, but it is also very comfortable. I feel really safe with him, and I want to be spending time with him whenever I'm not, and I have never felt like that with anyone before besides maybe Madison, but that is in a different way obviously. So, I don't know how the cookie will crumble, but for the first time, the unknown feels like it is worth the risk. Nick is worth the risk.