R(x)'s

I never have understood what it has meant to be in a relationship outside of friends or family. But, yesterday Nick asked me how it has been being in a relationship these past few weeks (officially). And I hadn't really thought about it but now I think I have a few things that I would like to put down on paper. First, it doesn't really feel as though anything has changed. The way we talked and interacted before has stayed the same, but I think it's deepened. For example, Nick told me the other day all of the details about what is going on with his job search, and his concerns with not making money right now. Even going into the details of how much he has in his bank account versus how much rent is and etc., etc. The conversations will be on the same topics but have reached a new level of vulnerability. Another example on my end, is that yesterday I had a hard conversation with Amber about getting hours for licensure and money, and basically I am not sure if I am going to need to leave this job before moving to Austin, which feels uncomfortable and scary. When I got home and was crying, I pulled myself together and just called Nick. I felt as though I wanted his comfort over anyone else's. I guess that's a change. But anyways, he was so kind in the way he just listened to what was wrong, provided options of possible solutions, never told me what to do, and was continually supportive. I wasn't even embarrassed at the fact that it was obvious I had been crying, or that a few tears fell while we were on the phone. There was no embarrassment or judgement, instead just comfort and then was able to make me laugh and feel better just by being himself, he's so weird. But I think, it was in that phone call that I felt like I was in a real relationship.

I guess I am just processing the way that Nick treats me, and how it feels for me. And honestly, I really love the way that he is with me. Nick can be goofy and weird, which makes me laugh, and spontaneous and go-with-the-flow, which makes me feel at ease, and calm and relaxed, which makes me feel safe, and he can be sweet and caring, which makes me feel valued. I don't know, all of these things, especially combined together in one human, feels like nothing I have ever experienced before. It's great. And I know he has been in relationships before, and he seems so good at caring for other people, and I guess I just have the fear that I am not giving back to him all that he is giving me. I mean, caring for someone romantically is all new to me, I am not really sure how to express to him or show him in my actions how much I really do care about him and for him. 

But regardless of my fears, I can say that I want to try and do my best to love him the way that he is deserving of, because if I don't, I know someone else will. And frankly, I want it to be me, not any other girl. Okay, also lowkey, like lowwwwkey.... mark my words. You heard it here first. This man is going to be my husband. I know this is my first relationship, but my gut feelings are usually pretty spot on. And my gut has been telling me this for a minute now. So, obviously I am not going to voice those words to anyone, even outloud to myself for a long time, but I wanted to have evidence that I am calling it here first. Wait and see.