Its already August

Okay here we go, 2020 has already been the most chaotic experience in my 22 years. This is not a personal thing, but the world is being stretched, pulled, and beaten pretty much every day. If I didn't know better I would really think that this is the end of the world. I can go into detail of that in another post, but for now I am going to relieve my thoughts and anxiety about my latest boy.

I am embarrassed by the beginning of this story, but I also think it is a funny aspect to this story, so it has to be included. So, a couple of weeks ago, maybe at the end of July, me and Madison decided that it would be a funny idea to download the dating app Bumble on our phones (we were feeling particularly lonely this day). For some reason it felt a little bit better than Tinder just because of the stigma that Tinder has associated with it. The first couple weeks of Bumble were honestly really fun not gonna lie. I mean, we could just swipe through photos of all types of boys in our area and swipe right for the ones we thought were cute and then swipe left for the ones who we did not find quite as visually appealing. And on Bumble the girl is the only one who can message first, and I liked being in control of that so that I could only message people who I chose. So I ended up messaging and talking to quite a few boys, even added a few of them on snapchat (most of which are deleted now), but then I also got one persons phone number. And when I say that we connected on other apps, I mean usually we would talk for like three days at the max and then I would be over it and stop responding to their bumble messages or un-add the as a friend on snapchat. But then there was this one boy, Danny, who gave me his number to text him, and I kind of thought he was cute and easy to talk to so I ended up texting him. This was the only boy that I actually continued talking to for more like a week. He really caught me off guard how easy-going he was... plus he was actually initiating conversation and wanting to talk to me too.

So after a couple of days had passed, he asked if I wanted to see him in person. My initial response was to get almost defensive and upset that I thought that he was ruining a good thing because we were getting along over the phone. So I had planned on shutting that down also because I was going to have to leave to come back to Abilene later that week. But after face timing Madison to get her opinion on what I should do, I agreed to see him. He had offered for us to go on a hike at Friedrich park, which is pretty close to my house, even though he lives in Fredericksburg, and I agreed. So the next morning, I put on my tennis skirt and was SO NERVOUS the whole drive over. My stomach was turning and I was face timing Madison for a pep talk on the drive, and then I ended up meeting him at around 10:30 in the morning. And one of the main reasons that I agreed to go is because I thought that it would be really funny to say that I had been on a Bumble date, and I kind of wanted the story, but then I got there and he was CUTE. Like as soon as we met up he went to go to the bathroom before we walked and immediately I texted Madison like "wait, hold up, he is so cute, and his style is good". He was just wearing this cute little outfit, I don't know, he was a lot cuter in person than he was in his Bumble profile, which I was not expecting. 

So we go on our walk, and it was fun, I mean it was a little bit awkward because it was our first time meeting, and once I saw him and saw how cute he was then I got even more nervous and then all of the awkwardness inside of me came out. But we went on a 3 mile hike and then it started getting pretty hot outside so he offered if I wanted to go get a cup of coffee with him. Obviously I agreed, so we went to Merit coffee, and it was really sweet he paid for my coffee and we just sat on a bench outside and talked, and it was surprisingly easy to have a conversation with him. I wish I could remember details about the things that we were talking about but, idk, lots of random things and our families and background and college stories, stuff like that. Just things that you say to get to know a person. So we had been sitting there for a while when he asked if I was hungry (I was not), but I was surprised that he still wanted to continue hanging out, so I agreed that yeah I could eat so that we could figure out something else to do together. We ended up deciding on Chick-Fil-A at La Cantera so that then afterwards we could go to Barnes and Noble and browse around for books, because apparently he was wanting a new one. And let me tell you, theres just something about a boy who like to read!!! Idk or my standards are kinda low. So we drive over to La Cantera and meet up and go get food, sit outside and just continue to talk. Actually at this point I remember him telling me a lot about his journey with the military because he is in the air force reserve, and he mentioned a lot of stuff about his basic training and what it entailed and how he got into the military in the first place. I mean all pretty cool and interesting things. And then I was eager to go look at books so he walked over and just browsed around. I just remember being kind of in awe at the fact that he liked places like that because most of the boys I have talked to just play video games and smoke weed lol, so it was so nice meeting somebody who differed just a little. Anyways he ended up buying a book, I didn't, and we both weren't ready to go so then we just walked around the entire mall, looking at the stores and talking more about our lives. At this point, it was hot outside and we had done a lot of things so we literally just went and sat in my car and listened to music and gave Madison advice about a boy, and hung out in there for awhile before he left. And we had this awkward hug goodbye lol, but it was okay, kind of funny. So this first day we spent all day together from 10:30 all the way until like 5. And before he left he was mentioning maybe hanging out the next day and doing something like going to Boerne lake. Which I was not opposed to hanging out so I told him that I would probably be down.

Later that night we were texting, and I was giving him more updates about Madison, because she had also just gone on a date with a Bumble boy, and they got a little freaky in the car, so I was telling Danny about it and he ended up calling me on the phone, which freaked me out haha but I answered and then we were just talking for like 20 minutes before Madison called me back, so I hung up with him. But anyways we made plans to meet up the next day around noon to get ready for the lake.

Flash forward to Tuesday, we met up at the HEB in Boerne to get some water, beer for him, and ice to put in the cooler to take to the lake. And we both took his car there, hehe he drives a Toyota Corolla:). Anyways we drive there and it was actually a pretty cool place, I had never been there before. Not like a lake that I had been to before, I guess just because it was really small and man made, but we found a table, put our stuff down and got ready to get in. Im gonna be straight up here, he took off his shirt and I was like "DAMN". Very obvious this kid stays on top of his workouts.... which made me even more self conscious because I am a COW I don't do anything, I mean my own fault but I was still upset about it. But I get in my swimsuit regardless lol and and we get in the water. We spent like 4 hours at the lake. Again we were just talking and swimming and chilling, I mean really not doing anything. But this is where I realized I actually might kind of actually like him because he would do stuff that made me see a little bit more of who he is as a person. Like he chased down these two ladies who one of them forgot their hat... I mean I would of just left it, but he chased them down all the way to the parking lot. Again a lot of what we talked about was like college stories and how he was worried about how christian I would be since I go to ACU lol. But then it was cool because it kind of initiated a few stories about faith in his life and blah blah blah. Oh there were these two really big and really cute dogs, and one of them kept coming up and like cuddling up next to Danny and licking him and stuff (and I mean we all know that dogs are a good judge of character so... just saying). Anyways but the clouds kept getting in the way of the sun so we were freezing, I was literally shivering so we got out and decided to get some food. Thank the Lord he was okay with chilis because that is my favorite restaurant. So we went to Chilis and again he paid for my food (I felt so bad) especially because I barely ate anything. Oh also throughout this process of the whole Danny thing, I didn't eat for like 5 days, so it really took a toll on me apparently LOL. But anyways then he was gonna go see a friend, so we went back to the car, we ran into HEB real quick because I was gonna buy some hair dye because it was all ratchet from the sun-in Michael put in from the summer, and then we walked back to the car and he walked me to the Jeep after I got my bag out of his car and I thought he was maybe gonna kiss me there... honestly I was kind of hoping that it would happen at the lake but it never did (I get it though I was being a little bummy because I was upset about the whole Michelle thing) but anyways I thought that this may be the time, but he gave me a hug and told me to text him if I was free the next day.

So I was supposed to go back to Abilene on Wednesday, but because I wanted to see Danny again, I decided to stay another day and tell him that I was free the whole day on Wednesday except at night because I was meeting my friends Daniel and Jesus for dinner. So we spent a little bit of time trying to decide what to do and ended up thinking he could just meet me at Target because I had to go there anyways and then I could just show him some spots that I used to hang out in high school. So we met up at Target and got my school stuff, went to Dicks because he wanted some workout band, and then I took him to the place that Forrest showed me off of camp bullis. I gotta say, not that impressive in the daylight. So we didn't really stay there very long before we decided to go get coffee, and when deciding where to go, he recommended we just go to the pearl and can sit out and walk around and stuff. So I drove us to the Pearl, you could tell he was holding on for dear life the whole time (I was low key offended I don't think that i'm that bad of a driver) but anyways we made it there safely. He paid for my coffee AGAIN... I guess I should have offered, but anyways then we just sat outside at a table again talking about whatever. I remember him telling me about his sisters and stuff, and then we walked around. Literally I am the one who was supposed to be showing him around but he was the one who was showing me that the riverwalk connected to the pearl and how you can walk along the side on the sidewalk. Anyways, slightly embarrassing but I was just glad to be hanging out with him. But again it was starting to get pretty hot, so we went back and sat in the car listening to music... guess who he loves... freaking John Mayer. I didn't even tell him that he is one of my favorites idk why but I was like of course it is haha. I actually would not have expected that from him, but then we were just listening to music and talking in the car until he got hungry. I hadn't eaten all day and still wasn't hungry but we went to chipotle so he could get a burrito, then decided to go back near the RIM where he had parked. We ended up parking at the green belt off of the RIM and went for a little walk. It was good to just hang out, again just talking, and then once we got back he was asking if we needed to go so I could go home and get ready before I met up with my friends, but I told him that I was just gonna go straight there so I had an hour to kill. But I told him like do not feel like you have to stay, I can keep myself busy, but he was like no its okay I can wait with you, so thanks to his idea we went back to the place Forrest showed me to go watch the sunset. So we get there and he starts to sit and then I remembered that I had a blanket in the car so I went and got it for us to sit on. So we were sitting throwing rocks and talking about stuff, like I mentioned how my mom wasn't living with us and how my parents are always crying about getting a divorce but never do, and he was saying that like one of his biggest fears is getting a divorce, which I mean come on, all girls love to hear that. We love a family man. Anyways we hit like a quick moment of silence and he goes, "So can i kiss you"..... and in my head I was like hell yeah, finally. But I didn't say that I don't remember what I said. But he kissed me, like full tongue right away, I was not expecting it but I wasn't upset. And then we were making out and I was like laying on top of him, and I was so nervous I like couldn't breathe, so I like came up for air haha and must have seemed so obese, but it was fine I caught my breathe then we got right back into it.... Until I couldn't breathe again so he sat up, and was like "are you okay". I was mortified because I was so nervous so I was shaking and my hear rate was at like 125. Anyways it was a little embarrassing but also I was like whatever I cant help it. But then the rocks weren't really very comfortable so then we moved the party back up to the backseat of the car... and here's where things went down.

So he lays down in the backseat so I am on top of him and we're making out and his hands are going all over. Like on my butt underneath my shorts so like straight skin on skin contact there and then touching my boobs, though my shirt so it was really no big deal. And then he sits up and i'm like straddling him, we're still making out, i'm still shaking whatever, and it was in this moment that I decide to cancel on Daniel and Jesus LOL. I felt bad but I just had to do it. So at like that moment is when I looked at the time and was telling Danny that I should probably go if I want to make it to dinner because it was like 8:20 and I was supposed to meet them at 8:30, so I was already gonna be late anyways. But then he goes something like come on do you really have to go? Which is fair because literally the whole day I was saying how I didn't really wanna go, but I was still planning on going completely until he said that and then I realized that I would rather stay with him lol. So I was like okay fine, and then grabbed my phone so that i could text them that I wasn't gonna be able to make it (I knew they were gonna be so upset haha, especially Jesus). But whatever, sacrifices had to be made. So Danny helped me write the text and then we just kind of laughed it off and continued making out and he goes, "do you wanna play a game". And so I was like hmm what is the game. And then he starts explaining this game that he used to play in high school with his friends, because there's nothing better to do apparently when you're from Fredericksburg TX. But anyways so the game is that you just drive around on back roads and whenever you see an animal you have to hit the roof of the car, and if you are the last person to hit the roof then you have to take off an article of clothing. So, naturally, I was like Okay Danny you're on. So we crawled up to the front seats, and of course he convinced me to let him drive because apparently he thinks that he is the better driver. (I guess I couldn't really argue with him he had a fair point, I don't know why i'm even upset about it lol I don't even like driving). Anyways so he's driving and starts going down all these back roads trying to look for animals. And at first I was literally missing every singe one! So he gave me like two free passes. But eventually I get the hang of it, and pretty quickly I end up in just my lulu lemon shorts and sports bra, and he is just in his shorts, and literally NO ANIMALS were anywhere after that! We drove for like 45 minutes looking for more and seriously there were none. I wasn't that upset though because I was like shoot, the next animal means one of us is like stripping stripping and high key I would have been so uncomfy lol. So I asked him how long we were gonna do that for, because since the next animal meant one of us was stripping we both had are eye LOCKED on the road so hard we were just sitting in silence because we were so focused. And he was like, I mean we can just go park and make out, and I was like okay yeah that sounds like more fun.

SO THEN

We go park at the Palladium parking lot in the back, where theres not really any other cars and its pretty dark and just crawl ourselves back into the back seat of the Jeep. Again he just lays down and I get on top of him (its pretty tight back there not gonna lie, but anyways we made it work. And at first I was like really nervous that someone was gonna see or a car was gonna drive by, I don't know, so I would like pushing myself to look out the windows, and he kept being like Jess its fine, but I was still a little freaked out by it. But anyways so we are just doing our things and again just like having a good time, and it felt a lot more natural now than it did the first time when I was visibly having a panic attack. So that was good, and then he was like pulling up my sports bra, grabbing, looking, kissing, sucking my boobs, I mean like all the things. And I really thought that it would make me uncomfortable because the only other time I had gone that far willingly with a boy is Forrest and that didn't turn out that great. But Danny was actually really awesome because he kept like asking if I was okay or if he was doing too much, just like making sure that I was comfortable, and honestly I was. So I was kissing on his neck and down his chest, and he did this thing where he was licking my ear and I'm not gonna lie, something about that.. oof. That was nice. Anyways then we would move positions and sit up, again i'm straddling him, like grinding up against each other while making out, and it was really chill because we could like stop for a minute and joke around and laugh and then just go back into where we were. Or like just looking at him, he's so cute:(. And I would just like stare at him and he would just pull me into a hug and he would just hold me, and in that moment I was like SHOOT JESS YOU CAUGHT FEELS. Which I mean I knew but that just really made it obvious. I mean come on I could not. Anyways, then we'd just go back to kissing and eventually I sat in the seat next to him, and he kind of rolled so that he was laying with his head in my lap, and I kind of just got sad because I had the realization that I was gonna leave for Abilene the next day, and knew that this was gonna end, like it always does. So he kept asking what was going on in my head and I just kept giving some bull shit answers because I had known him for like literally a week and I knew I was being dramatic probably. But I was just really happy, it felt really nice to be with him. I think he's probably way too good for me though, like honestly, I feel like if anything ever happened with us, he would make me want to be better like he is, but I feel like I would have nothing to contribute for him, like he's already so great. Anyways, that is what was going on in my head. And then at this point it was pretty late and he had to drive all the way back to Fred so we drove back to his car, he kissed me goodbye, and we made plans to see each other in the morning since I drive through Fred on my way to Abilene.

Fast forward to the next day, and we met up in Fred, he showed up with coffee for me, like are you kidding me, that was so nice UUGH I hate it. I was so mad that I was leaving I wanted to try to have something happen with us, I don't know if anything would have but I was just really sad to be going back to Abilene, I guess I was sad about it for a lot of reasons actually. But anyways I only got to see him for like 15 minutes because he found out that morning that he had to drive to New Mexico with his dad that day so he had to leave. But we just talked for a few minutes and then his dad called and he had to leave. So he walked me to my car, kissed me bye and that was it.

We have texted a few times since then, I have called him while I was drunk (no surprise there), but I kind of feel like I am never gonna see him again which sucks. Like after saying bye to him I literally cried on the drive to Abilene about it !!?? Excuse me, what. I never cry over boys. Okay thats not true. Whatever though, I was shocked but I guess I just let myself get kind of infatuated with this boy, so leaving was a little hard. Anyways, maybe I will end up seeing him again, but if not then this is the story of my bumble date. Good times.

Update - it is now November. This whole semester has sucked, in most ways I guess not all though. But anyways moral of the story is that its NOVEMBER and i'm STILL thinking about this. Send help man I hate it here. We haven't even talked in like months. I am thinking about him on a Sunday morning. Like, no no, I have things to do today I cannot be consumed by my fear of existential loneliness because the perfect romance story with this boy that I made up in my head isn't working out. I don't have time for that today. Shit dude.